Cookie dough treats

Everybody loves to eat the cookie dough raw, and I've found a safe, easy recipe to do just that.

Mix together just like you would a cookie batter these ingredients:
1/2 c butter
1/2 c sugar
1/2 c packed brown sugar
3 TBS water
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
1 1/3 c. flour
2/3 c mini chocolate chips

Roll into 1 inch balls. 
Melt 2 c chocolate chips and 1 TBS oil.
Dip the bottom  of each ball into the melted chocolate.
Put in freezer until set and serve.

These are a party hit! In fact I have a party coming up that I might be shunned if these babies don't show up with me.  I have been warned

My heart hurts

On Friday a tract was left for my coworker bringing up stories of how Christians are the worst tippers and often the most demanding customers.  In the 10 months I've been waitressing I can count on one hand the number of people who have made it known they are Christians that I've enjoyed serving despite countless customers having made their religion known.

I apologized to my coworker for our bad reputation, promising not all of us are like that, but I know words are meaningless, and my heart hurts.

Over the weekend another coworker who has bipolar too, told me she used to go to church.  But then in high school she had a manic episode and her church shunned her for it.  So she gave up on Christians.

And my heart hurts for her.

While I myself have not been shunned, in some ways I can relate.  In the christian world my depressions are acceptable, even admired because of my fight to trust in God's love.  But my manias are unacceptable, grace is withheld, and my heart is judged before my case is even heard.  In reality my battle with mania is darker then my deepest depression.  In the throws of these times my fight to know God barely survives.

And the judgement of my heart hurts.

Also this weekend came the news that my Shepherd resigned.  I don't know why he made this decision, but the pain of our resignation last year is still so fresh that once again hot tears burn my checks as they flow against my will.

And my heart hurts in ways that words will never be able to describe.  May God heal my soul.

But if we hope in what we do not see with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.  In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and he who searches the heart knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because he intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.

~ Romans 8:25-28

Today I fear

It grips tightly almost suffocating me.

I fear the judgement of my parenting by others.
I fear letting my husband down.
I fear my children rejecting me.
I fear hurting friends.
I fear causing a soul to choose Hell over God.
I fear the size of this house, as if it will swallow me.
I fear enjoying work more then my children.
I fear Mania and depression both equally.

Oh yes, today fear grips ever so tightly.

God is enough.  I know.  But sometimes, today, life seems bigger then Him.  A foolish thought.  A foolish fear, but none the less this is where I am.

My prayer for today is that as the day ends and I close my eyes I would do so living true the words of Isaiah, a man who was steadfast in his trust of the Maker of the heavens and the earth.

Steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, because he trust in You.

~ Isaiah 26:3

Oh Lord,

So often I come to You as a girl runs to her Daddy and often I come to you head over heals in love with Jesus.  Tonight I come as a servant on my knees with my face to the ground.  You are the Creator of all things, Master of the heavens and the earth.  You are good and holy and pure.  You are perfect.

As Your servant  I beg you to hear me.  Hear my pain and know my heart.

I want to shout at You!  What if hearts break?  What if You are rejected instead of found?  Why would you put such pain on some I love and You love too.  How is this good for there hearts, for there souls?  Why them?  When I suffer, I know I can handle it because I know Your love deeply, but they don't know it.  What were You thinking? I want to raise my fists shouting all this at You, but how can I when I know You are love?

I already know the answers to my questions; You love us deep enough.  You are big enough for them to see You through all this pain and hurt.  Again and again I must say it; Your love is enough, You are big enough.

As I sit in the dark wishing for snow to fall just so I could see a tangible reminder of grace, instead You give me perspective.  That day so long ago, a day never forgotten, You watched as Your perfect son was tortured and killed simply because of evil hearts.  Oh, how You must have hurt.  Now I have seen a glimpse of Your pain.  Be compassionate towards me, by protecting and healing hurt souls.

Master, Creator, I can not shout at You, nor will I demand of You, but please hear me.  As You heard Moses all those years ago when Israel had angered You.  Answer me as You answered stubborn Habakkuk.  Transform me like you did Saul on the road that day.

Hear this:

Protect hearts, tenderizing them towards You, bring more souls into your family.  Just as you did with the remnant of Israel.

Give me words like You gave Jeremiah, so that I might be a glimpse of Jesus to them, so they might know you.  The circle of not yet believers that will be watching the pain and for my reaction my love for You will be great.  I beg you to give me words so they can see You past me.

Lastly I want to beg for you to give physical healing.  Just as You took the blindness out of my eyes take the sickness out of this one.  As my blindness and Your healing brought souls into Your kingdom do it again with this.

Father, Daddy, You are good.  I will worship You forever, no matter how dark the road may become.  I will proclaim always that You are God.

I will trust You.  I choose to trust You.  Lord, Master help me to trust You.

Why is it?

Why is it that when one stops going to church the others assume they are in sin, but when attendance drops during the warm summer months there is no thought of a sinful heart?

Why is it that if one attends church but doesn't participate in at least one other weekly program then they are considered to be there simply to sooth there sinful souls, but if one dives in making church of the highest of priorities they are considered a fanatic to the point of being unloving, sinful and out of touch with what people really need?

Why is it that John the baptist who "came neither eating or drinking" was said to have a demon, but Jesus who "came eating and drinking" was said to be "a gluttonous man and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!"?  (Matthew 11:18-19)

Why is it that the world instinctively knows they are wicked but the church feels obligated to point it out?

Why is it that the church begs for Grace, but refuses to give it to those on the outside?

Why is it that the cities where Jesus did miracles are the same cities that refused to repent? (Matthew 11:20-24)

Why do these questions sound so wrong, so backwards?

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot.  So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.  Because you say, "I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing," and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked...Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.

~ Revelation 3:15-17 & 19

Am I going mental again?

As I sit in the living room I hear the small freckled boy bite into his chip and then chew in such a way that I want to rip my ears off.  All the while I am using the same yellow crayon that I have used for two years now as a highlighter.  As I draw it past the ink rubs from the words rub off causing a smudged dull yellow look.  Not the Danilion, joyful yellow it always is.  I stop sharpen my crayon removing any dirt and try again.  Nope still the smudge look.  I fight myself not to throw my Bible and the crayon in the fire.  It's ruined.  Not what it should have been.  And that chewing sound.  He cannot be done with lunch fast enough.

Rage is rising in my soul.  I know his mouth is closed.  I know it's just the way he chews and there is nothing rude about it.  I know it's me.  Just like I don't want to be touched or talked to or have any contact with civilization.  It's me.

After resting the darkness returned to battle me for my mind.

And He said to me, "My grace is sufficent for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9a

Do the mundane

I called a friend today, connected only by the sickness our minds share never have we met face to face, only talking when my mind is beginning to spiral out of control.  I called her.  Obviously a sign that the darkness is rolling in.

I talked first to my Strong man days ago fully confident that he saw my addiction, mania, begin taking over my life.  Actually no he hadn't seen it, he loved what he saw assuring me that my mind has never been healthier. 

That touch of his that drove me crazy just a week ago in now to much.  It almost hurts.  The sheets are too rough, the water too hot, my shoes too tight, the lotion too slimy.  It's so much more then touch, smells can send me into annoyance quickly turning to anger.  voices all to loud, the pipes heating our house to much, those two child like voices that follow me around daily demanding more and more.  So many demands, I fight with my tongue to be kind reminding myself that it's just the sickness.  I fight to protect them from the darkness.  I fight to keep the torment to myself not wanting it to overflow onto any of them.

So with this addiction taking over my life I desperately try to gain some control.  If I don't stop it now at some point I will be denied this drug that I so love and hunger for, mania.  Sweet tasting mania where life is perfect.  Nothing can compare to you sweet drug, give me more and more until it is only you that I know...

...No! No, I can't allow myself to be seduced.  I can't give in I must fight this goodness on the edge of torment.  I need to protect my family.

How do I explain this to my Love, how do I keep from disappointing him.  For now I will do the mundane.  I will do those dishes that have been on the counter for days.  I will sweep the floor and I will cuddle with little boys talking about little boy things that I honestly don't give two hoots about.  I will fight to live a life that normal people live and hopefully that will bring me back, at least give me control.