My heart hurts

On Friday a tract was left for my coworker bringing up stories of how Christians are the worst tippers and often the most demanding customers.  In the 10 months I've been waitressing I can count on one hand the number of people who have made it known they are Christians that I've enjoyed serving despite countless customers having made their religion known.

I apologized to my coworker for our bad reputation, promising not all of us are like that, but I know words are meaningless, and my heart hurts.

Over the weekend another coworker who has bipolar too, told me she used to go to church.  But then in high school she had a manic episode and her church shunned her for it.  So she gave up on Christians.

And my heart hurts for her.

While I myself have not been shunned, in some ways I can relate.  In the christian world my depressions are acceptable, even admired because of my fight to trust in God's love.  But my manias are unacceptable, grace is withheld, and my heart is judged before my case is even heard.  In reality my battle with mania is darker then my deepest depression.  In the throws of these times my fight to know God barely survives.

And the judgement of my heart hurts.

Also this weekend came the news that my Shepherd resigned.  I don't know why he made this decision, but the pain of our resignation last year is still so fresh that once again hot tears burn my checks as they flow against my will.

And my heart hurts in ways that words will never be able to describe.  May God heal my soul.

But if we hope in what we do not see with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.  In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and he who searches the heart knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because he intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.

~ Romans 8:25-28