Do the mundane

I called a friend today, connected only by the sickness our minds share never have we met face to face, only talking when my mind is beginning to spiral out of control.  I called her.  Obviously a sign that the darkness is rolling in.

I talked first to my Strong man days ago fully confident that he saw my addiction, mania, begin taking over my life.  Actually no he hadn't seen it, he loved what he saw assuring me that my mind has never been healthier. 

That touch of his that drove me crazy just a week ago in now to much.  It almost hurts.  The sheets are too rough, the water too hot, my shoes too tight, the lotion too slimy.  It's so much more then touch, smells can send me into annoyance quickly turning to anger.  voices all to loud, the pipes heating our house to much, those two child like voices that follow me around daily demanding more and more.  So many demands, I fight with my tongue to be kind reminding myself that it's just the sickness.  I fight to protect them from the darkness.  I fight to keep the torment to myself not wanting it to overflow onto any of them.

So with this addiction taking over my life I desperately try to gain some control.  If I don't stop it now at some point I will be denied this drug that I so love and hunger for, mania.  Sweet tasting mania where life is perfect.  Nothing can compare to you sweet drug, give me more and more until it is only you that I know...

...No! No, I can't allow myself to be seduced.  I can't give in I must fight this goodness on the edge of torment.  I need to protect my family.

How do I explain this to my Love, how do I keep from disappointing him.  For now I will do the mundane.  I will do those dishes that have been on the counter for days.  I will sweep the floor and I will cuddle with little boys talking about little boy things that I honestly don't give two hoots about.  I will fight to live a life that normal people live and hopefully that will bring me back, at least give me control.