When hard moments last for days resulting in a needed break from the here and now, dramatic steps need to be taken. Finding myself in this position I sent a quick text inviting my Bestie out for coffee. For young Mommas this kind of outing comes far and few between cause two families to rearrange life for two people to sit sipping coffee talking of the heart without the interruptions that little people bring. And yet she one upped me turning coffee into dinner.
We sat in this cozy little restaurant splurging on soda as this was a "birthday, forget the world night out". As we sat together she asked many questions listened quietly and then asked more. Only when she saw the depths of my heart did she begin to share her wisdom. In some cases agreement and in others a "well you need to remember...". It was good, it was what I needed.
Outside of my bestie I have heard many times that I need to trust and that the process needs to happen and I have to wait it out. The problem is that while the church battles over which children's ministry method needs to happen in the name of protecting young souls. The very thing they fight over is being lost, both in the children and in there parents. This is the cause of my moaning tears.
As I cry out that this hurts and my heart is broken those around me tell me I need to trust in them, in God, and in the process. That I need to forgive and that I need to work at not becoming bitter. All good things, but after months they have not shown me where I am not following through in any of these areas. Show me the ugly fruit of loosing trust, harboring bitterness and holding grudges. Show me! Ah, they can't under the guise of only God can see my heart. Funny how while I am told He is the only one that can see my heart, yet they are so quick to judge that same heart.
This causing me to feel betrayed by my church leaders and mentors. I feel they are so wrapped up in the process of changing the hearts of the hardened that they don't have time for this bleeding one or those who have bled out before me. It seems the process to them is more important then the hearts of those who strive to know Jesus more. They say the goal is unity and while in word it is said they understand if some don't get on board they will be left behind while in action they are siding with those and watching the young who are passionate and the not yet friends of Jesus bleed on the battle field. In my case rather then searching my heart they are asking "Sunday school" questions of "where is your heart--Have you forgiven, have you guarded yourself from bitterness, are you causing gossip, are your actions upsetting others, is there a possibility that your actions are upsetting others, are you trusting enough?" As said before they are unwilling to show me my folly in turn causing me to hear this, "Your hurt must be the fault of your sin." Hence the feeling of betrayal from those I have walked closely with.
Funny how my Bestie is willing to work at my heart to ask questions to push my mind to walk down paths it didn't know existed allowing my words to come where I knew no words to be. Have I mentioned that my Bestie has walked this road with these same people and she still honestly searches my heart?
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