Two ends of the spectrum and still united

Boys,

I love the way your Daddy loves to be neck deep in Kingdom work.  I love it.  When he was first asked to work part time for our church I was the one who told him to do it.  Since I have very much enjoyed watching him thrive and watching God use him to bring souls into heaven.  Not just souls but disciples, even better right?

While he has been doing that I took time off from ministry.  I mourned for a time as I thought if I stepped out I would become mediocre or less in love with Jesus.  In the end I realized it was both my pride and the fear of the unknown.  After a year of focusing on my heart and healing my bi-polar mind I realized while serving in the church I missed loving those outside of it.  The more time I spend outside of the church the more passionate I am about the ones who are still blind.  With this passion for those outside I become more indignant with those on the inside for there petty arguments and silly traditions.  I am ready to walk away and find a new way of doing church, because the traditional church body continually abuses itself. Chopping of limbs and then blaming other parts for it's actions ignoring the fact that it is slowly bleeding out and coming to it's death.  *Deep mournful sigh* 

However, Daddy's ministry which I love and support is to those same people.  He sees hope and potential for healing.  These people make his heart beat especially the children.  If he were to step out of an organization like this I'm not sure what he would do or how he would do it.  The children are his calling and the children can be found at church.

We are at two ends of the spectrum, but still fully committed to each other and even more so to God.  We know that God has a solution and has reasons for giving us such different burdens.  Every part of life is a season and every season has something to teach to prepare us for the next season.  God is good and faithful and will teach us as we grow together through this season of different passions.

As you look back I hope you can see this to be true of us, that we grew together keeping our love for God at the center of each aspect of our life.

We love you boys.

Coffee invite

When hard moments last for days resulting in a needed break from the here and now, dramatic steps need to be taken.  Finding myself in this position I sent a quick text inviting my Bestie out for coffee.  For young Mommas this kind of outing comes far and few between cause two families to rearrange life for two people to sit sipping coffee talking of the heart without the interruptions that little people bring.  And yet she one upped me turning coffee into dinner.

We sat in this cozy little restaurant splurging on soda as this was a "birthday, forget the world night out".  As we sat together she asked many questions listened quietly and then asked more.  Only when she saw the depths of my heart did she begin to share her wisdom.  In some cases agreement and in others a "well you need to remember...".  It was good, it was what I needed.

Outside of my bestie I have heard many times that I need to trust and that the process needs to happen and I have to wait it out.  The problem is that while the church battles over which children's ministry method needs to happen in the name of protecting young souls.  The very thing they fight over is being lost, both in the children and in there parents.  This is the cause of my moaning tears.

As I cry out that this hurts and my heart is broken those around me tell me I need to trust in them, in God, and in the process. That I need to forgive and that I need to work at not becoming bitter.  All good things, but after months they have not shown me where I am not following through in any of these areas.  Show me the ugly fruit of loosing trust, harboring bitterness and holding grudges.  Show me!  Ah, they can't under the guise of only God can see my heart.  Funny how while I am told He is the only one that can see my heart, yet they are so quick to judge that same heart. 

This causing me to feel betrayed by my church leaders and mentors.  I feel they are so wrapped up in the process of changing the hearts of the hardened that they don't have time for this bleeding one or those who have bled out before me.  It seems the process to them is more important then the hearts of those who strive to know Jesus more.  They say the goal is unity and while in word it is said they understand if some don't get on board they will be left behind while in action they are siding with those and watching the young who are passionate and the not yet friends of Jesus bleed on the battle field.  In my case rather then searching my heart they are asking "Sunday school" questions of "where is your heart--Have you forgiven, have you guarded yourself from bitterness, are you causing gossip, are your actions upsetting others, is there a possibility that your actions are upsetting others, are you trusting enough?"  As said before they are unwilling to show me my folly in turn causing me to hear this, "Your hurt must be the fault of your sin."  Hence the feeling of betrayal from those I have walked closely with.

Funny how my Bestie is willing to work at my heart to ask questions to push my mind to walk down paths it didn't know existed allowing my words to come where I knew no words to be.  Have I mentioned that my Bestie has walked this road with these same people and she still honestly searches my heart? 

Thoughts left behind

I process best through writing.  Often as I sit it seems as though my fingers have a mind of there own and as I write I find myself agreeing with the words on the screen as if a veil has been removed and suddenly my thoughts are clear.  And so here I process, my raw exposed heart pored out to you dearest boys, flesh of my flesh and heart of my heart.  I leave these thoughts after I am done with them in hopes that some day you can maybe understand my heart a bit more and possibly even learn from it.

Hear, my son, your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching; Indeed, they are a graceful wreath to your head and ornaments about your neck.

~ Proverbs 1:8-9

Unexpected pain

It is true to watch one who I love being attacked is probably more difficult for me then for my him.  In many ways the attacks are on me as well since I too have sacrificed as many hours as him for the sake of the ministry.  While not the face of the change as he was, I spent hours each week supporting his choice to be away from our family to bring change to the ministry.  So I was as involved as he was, only I was never seen.  So yes it hurts deeply when he is straight up attacked.

As I grow older my relationship with Jesus grows deeper.  I find that I have these expectation of those who are even further along the path in both life and knowing Jesus.  I expect that they would work hard to show mercy and grace to the younger generation, my generation.  I expect them to gently rebuke us as we make mistakes, immature mistakes out of ignorance because we haven't walked as far as them.  I don't think these expectations are too high as Paul had these same expectations of the first generation Christ followers and all those who followed right into 2013.  And yet somehow the way life plays out in the majority of cases this is not the case.  I understand that some will claim to follow Jesus and will live there whole lives pretending, but I am shocked at those who mirror Jesus in every aspect of life.  These I am shocked would not publicly rebuke these "mature" followers who are publicly, purposefully say hurtful things.

I am told that in public it is not the place, and yet I can think of no place in Jesus' life that he waited until the moment had passed and he could talk with the mature believers in private and explain there sin.  Actually if I remember correctly he responded as strongly with truth as they accused.  If we are to be mirrors why don't we follow His example?

So as he is attacked it hurts, but the tolerance of slanderous words bring tears gushing and shoulders heaving.

"But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile men.  For out of the heart comes evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witnesses, slanders.  These are the things that defile man; but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile the man."

~ Matthew 15:18-20

Dearest Moon,

I notice you as you follow me down the road, as you boldly chase after me.
I notice your attempts at wooing me.
I notice you hiding behind clouds peeking through every few minutes to see if I'm paying attention.

Don't you know I'm already in love?
I have loved you since I was child holding my Daddy's hand as we walked by your light.
You steadfastly watch over me, even on the darkest nights you are faithful.
I know each night as I close my eyes you will watch me until day break.
Let me say it again, I love you.

You, dearest Moon, are a gift.
A reminder of my true love, the one and only great I AM.
Sweet Moon, thank you for doing your job so well.

Love,
Me.