Dearest Gram,

Soon I will come visit you to probably say my last goodbye.  Last night was when I learned that it's time for this chapter of your life to end.  You're ready for the next to begin I know, and I'm sure you're waiting with anticipation.  But Gram, I am not ready for this.  How does one say goodbye to somebody so close to there heart?

I can hear you whispering to me that we will see each other again soon, reminding me that we are just vapors here today and gone tomorrow, famous words written by James the brother of Jesus.  Boy did he ever know the weight of that statement.  A reminder that we have no control, but the Maker of the heavens and the earth does and a promise that soon you and I will see each other again as we both have a joyful and secure future.  Even still my "today" is going to be a long one without you.

Who will I call when I find myself in the middle of cooking and suddenly don't know what to do?  Who will remind me of Truths even when I sometimes don't want to hear it?  Where can I go when I just need to be in a place of safety?

You have asked me what it is I want when you and Grandpa pass from this life into the next.  There are two things:

1.  Your table.  That old white and gray speckled thing that hasn't been in style for most of my life.  But the memories, the lessons learned at that table are things I don't want to let go.

2.  I want your wedding bands.  When I said this you waved me off telling me how little they were worth.  When I insisted you were sure I could have those as nobody else would want them.

You're rings are a symbol, a promise to each other to walk life together.  That promise overflowed into my life.  You and Grandpa have been my anchor, the only thing in life that has been steadfast, unwavering.

I knew my place and yours as a child, and in those boundaries I found peace.
In your marriage I found hope for mine.
In your love for Jesus I found Truth.
In your stubbornness I was able to shape my own strong will.
In your constant giving to others I longed to be known as you were.

Tell me how do I say goodbye to one who is so close to my heart?  The pain stabs deep.

I'm guessing it's the first of many

Broken bones, that is.

Almost every year find a hotel to spend Easter weekend at, just the four of us.  The other holidays are spent with family but this one, the one most dear to us, we spend snuggled in at some hotel.

We always make sure there is a pool for our little fish to enjoy.

This year we also took a walk by the ocean.

We have ourselves a wee little egg hunt where each egg has a piece of the resurrection story hidden inside.  Then we cuddle up on the big bed while Strong man tells the story of Jesus' defeat of death.

We usually get a little something to remember our trip by.  This year we experienced build a bear for the first time.

Waiting for his x-ray.  To which he kept saying, "Oh Mom isn't this so much fun.  I get to have an x-ray.  Isn't it fun Mom?"

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But this time we also got to experience our first broken bone.  As Laughter put his shoes on he slipped off the bed breaking his clavicle.  He was a trooper.  For at least two weeks he wears an ace bandage and a sling, while I follow him all around the house reminding him not to climb the back of the couch, not to run, or wrestle, or sword fight, or really do anything that little boys do.



104.  Last minute family trips.
105.  Death defeated.
106.  Two happy boys.
107.  Salty air & and the sound of waves.
108.  Brave hurt boys.
109.  Excitement about seeing his own bones.

Sitting to blog

It has been months since I've sat to truly blog.  It's been weeks since I sat to even write up my list.  Honestly after months of photographs and months of life passing and changes happening my finger's still don't know how to transpose life into written memories.  What used to be a daily habit, a habit formed to calm my soul now has become a strained work that never ends trailing off into empty white space...

Here's to the hope of thoughts flowing as fingers record the workings of this Momma's heart.  But until then:

93.  Boy treasure's that will all too soon pass from my eyes.
94.  Growing pains that require midnight cuddles.

95.  Walks in the city forest.

96.  Puddle jumpers and bug nets.

97.  Streams to fall into.

98.  Sticks and little boy pocket treasures.

99.  Tired little legs and strong Daddy's.

100.  Family hobbies.
101.  New quivers.
102.  Good cluster's and imperfections.

103.  Spring; the cleanse of death, the feel of life.

In the thick of it

This post is written by my sister-friend/house mate.  She's good at helping me keep perspective...

It's late Sunday morning, and London is napping.  All five Hoolies are outside playing, and I just may have five minutes to myself to blitz off a post before they all come back inside dripping wet and begging for hot tea and snacks.  Our housemates have snuck away for the weekend, so I am Solo Mama to five crazyies and one teething baby for the next couple of days. 

And while I don't feel like I often have something to toot my own horn about...this morning, all by my lonesome, I got all six children and myself out the door and to the 8:00 morning service with two minutes to spare before the worship team even started to play their first song.

Clothed, teeth brushed, and no tears to boot...with the only hiccups being one brother wearing the other's shirt and socks, and me stirring London's pears into my coffee instead of my cream.  No biggy.

I am woman, hear me roar.

And now here I am...coming back from a 2+ week sabbatical from all things computer related. 
Time for processing, time for assessing and re-assessing, and time to turn down the noise for awhile.
I unplugged for a bit.
There were days where I missed it and was actually lonely and lost...and then there were times when I didn't give facebook...or blogging... Pinterest...or even email a thought for days on end.

I am in a season of feeling deeply entrenched in motherhood. 

London...she be mobile...

I find that there are ebbs and flows in my life - times where I have all of this extra time on my hands to be creative, to write, to craft, and to be things "other than" or "in addition to"....   And then there are times when I need to hunker down for a season and just "be"... in the  midst of the mothering.

This, for me, has been that sort of season.
And this weekend - with two extra little boys to call my own - has further defined this reflecting.

London's first taste of snow.  She pretty much ate a boatload.

(Point proven:  It is now 4:00 in the afternoon.  The Hoolies came in soaking wet, a spat between the two Littlest Littles was worked through, London woke up from her nap, snacks and tea were had....and then lunch and more snacks were had.  London was fed, and cleaned up, stories were read, and naptimes took place....by us ALL...and now I sit to write a bit more -- until London begs for her supper, and until the five Hoolies remind me that I promised them pancakes and bacon before the big game....Point proven AGAIN:  It's now Tuesday...two days later...and I just may yet get to push that "publish" button.  No promises....)

This is my life right now.
And I am in the thick of it.

A baby teething who is just a smidge needy. 
Two boys to teach reading and writing, math and science.
Diapers and baths. 
Five boys to help navigate issues of brotherhood and friendship. 
A ginormous house to stay on top of. 
Waitressing shifts to serve. 
Mountains of laundry.
Meals to be made.
Mess after mess after mess to clean up after.
Dish after dish after dish to wash and put away.
Little hearts to teach and mold.
Living real and raw with deep, soul friends.
A husband to stay connected to.
Perpetual ordering and re-ordering the chaos of life with Littles back into some semblance of order...

And a re-play button to push each morning so that we can do this thing called Life all over again.
This is The Stuff of motherhood.

Days where showering is optional and soul care has to be fought for.
Days where alone time has to take place before 5:00a.m....and exercise, as well, if I want it.
And moments where often, at day's end, Kev and I look at each other and congratulate ourselves for simply surviving...

ALL my girls...

 But I can't help but wonder - and honestly believe in my soul - that God looks down and sees what we do....and He smiles.  After all.....He's a Father, too.  And if He says that "as much as we do unto the least of these, we are doing unto Him," well, I'm pretty sure that He takes notice of all of the little things that the Mamas all the world around do that maybe nobody else ever sees or is even aware.

He sees it all.
He sees the sleepless nights, and He gives mercy to the Mama's soul.
He hears our pleas for grace, and He responds with tender care.
He notices the small sacrifices...
He sees when we stoop low...
And He gives the strength that's not our own.

Bread...SO much bread....

I think that Mother Teresa got it right when she said:  "The work we do is only our love for Jesus in action."  And if I truly believe this to my core...if I can serve and love and bless Jesus - in whatever sticky or messy skin that He comes to me in - than in this I can be content, and in this I can find joy.  Motherhood is an investment, one that the world can't measure in money or in status... but I don't think God measures success or importance by the world's standards anyway.

And so neither should I....
"Joy is in the acquiescing."  ~ Ann Voskamp

Joy is in the letting go....in finding Him in the thick of it....in the humble bending of the knee and of the Mama's heart - and in the total embracing of Life in whatever season we may find ourselves.  It's messy, but it's beautiful.  It's humbling, but it's eternal.  And it is simple...but it's oh so profound.

"Use me then, my Savior, for whatever purposes and in whatever ways you may require.  Here is my poor heart, an empty vessel, fill it with your grace." ~ D.L. Moody

Grace, Jesus.  Pour it out all over...
Emptied to be filled...

From another Mama "in the thick of it:"
"Today?  It is going to be okay.  Take back your Motherhood.  It is a gift.  Listen to the Life-giver, NOT the liar." ~ Christie Elkins

"The thief comes only to steal and to destroy.  I came that you may have life, and have it abundantly." ~ Jesus
Good.
OH.  So very good...

And so I shall take the joy....

~ New chapters, and sinking in for the ride.
~ Learning selflessness again and again.
~ Knowing that His mercies are new every morning.
~ Four babies and one Big Daddy.  Full of grace for this Mama.
~ Soul friends, deep talks, and unconditional love.
~ Sharing life, and loving it.
~ Lessons in humility.  Over and over again.
~ A life that is full, and days full of Life.
~ Walking alongside.  Raw and real with other Mamas in the thick of it.
~ Times of solitude, and days of silence.  Being still.
~ Knowing...that He is God...and that I am not....

#5151 ~ My Joy Journey.

Friday's are all about this guy.

Yes he is using his pillow case as a sleeping bag.

Before the two of us dress up for Mrs. What-cha-ma-call-its store, we spend the entire morning together.

84. Drinking coffee together.

85. Game master Laughter, which means we roll the dice until we get the number we want.
86.  Drawing dragons, knights, and other boyish things wild imaginations run wild.

87.  Morning cuddles and good books.

88.  Sledding in the snow.

89.  One on one time that we didn't get when he was a toddler.
90.  breathing deep fresh air, with the shining down.

91.  Learning that being cover in snow really isn't a bad thing.

92.  Practicing our "spin around's, double spin around's, and doubler's."

Get away number....

Let's see how many times have we been away, just the two of us, since we were married?
1.  The Lucerne Inn.  That was our first anniversary, I was three or four months pregers with Man of the woods.  I feel like there was something else memorable that weekend.  What was it?  Oh! The bed in our hotel broke that weekend...
2. Our second anniversary I was five months pregnant with our little Laughter.  We went to a renaissance fair in New York.  We were pinching pennies that year.  My favorite memory of that trip was sharing that smoothie with you.
3. Dexter.  We stayed in that just up and running in.  Remember the heat didn't work, so we had three space heaters in our room, and some how in the middle of the night you woke up with a split lip.
4.  Then there was that trip to Freeport mixed in the bunch some where.  I know we had at least one child.

So I guess that means that the year I turned 30 is Weekend get away number 5 for us.  Kind of a Happy birthday me, and a celebrate us get away.  Our agenda for this weekend was to lock ourselves in our hotel room only escaping to eat or possibly shop if we felt like it.

We played games, ate more food then we should have, and bargain shopped mostly for the boys.  But what made my weekend was you.

72.  Married to my best friend.
73.  Still 7 years in you show me respect by opening doors, walking on the outside of the sidewalk, & giving me your arm to hold I we walk over ice or through puddles.
74.  Never ending conversation.
75.  Being able to laugh at/with each other.
76.  Pools that are no fun without our boys.
77.  Our quirky likes, such as role playing games.
78.  Holding hands.
79.  Long car rides back, not wanting our time to end.
80.  Cute little diners with food to die for.
81.  Duck tape that holds the car together.
82.  The same look in your eyes that you had the day we exchanged rings.
83.  Sister and brother in law that can get us a good deal at a hotel.

TFA

Family is:

55. The sacred in the chaos.

56. Being silly together.

57. Sitting on the floor with imaginations running wild while sipping tea.

58.  Mother and son laying on the couch staring at the ceiling to sick to do anything else.

59.  Sharing in the joy of the newly found reading skill.

60.  Looking out the window in wonder at creation.

61. Gushing with excitement of jumping into the deep end for the first time.

62.  Making exceptions to the rules every once in a while, by not just allowing little ones to jump on the bed, but to do it with them.

63.  Long car rides full of singing, chatter, and quietly looking out the window.

Chief of the week school project.

64.  Doing school projects together.

65.  Putting puzzles together in front of the fire.

66.  Learning another language that is really just for the two of you.

67.  Working as a team.

68.  Always being quick to ask forgiveness, while being just as quick to forgive it.

69.  Celebrating each other.

70.  End of the day family stories.

Christmas play

71.  Being proud of each others accomplishments.