Today I fear

It grips tightly almost suffocating me.

I fear the judgement of my parenting by others.
I fear letting my husband down.
I fear my children rejecting me.
I fear hurting friends.
I fear causing a soul to choose Hell over God.
I fear the size of this house, as if it will swallow me.
I fear enjoying work more then my children.
I fear Mania and depression both equally.

Oh yes, today fear grips ever so tightly.

God is enough.  I know.  But sometimes, today, life seems bigger then Him.  A foolish thought.  A foolish fear, but none the less this is where I am.

My prayer for today is that as the day ends and I close my eyes I would do so living true the words of Isaiah, a man who was steadfast in his trust of the Maker of the heavens and the earth.

Steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, because he trust in You.

~ Isaiah 26:3

Oh Lord,

So often I come to You as a girl runs to her Daddy and often I come to you head over heals in love with Jesus.  Tonight I come as a servant on my knees with my face to the ground.  You are the Creator of all things, Master of the heavens and the earth.  You are good and holy and pure.  You are perfect.

As Your servant  I beg you to hear me.  Hear my pain and know my heart.

I want to shout at You!  What if hearts break?  What if You are rejected instead of found?  Why would you put such pain on some I love and You love too.  How is this good for there hearts, for there souls?  Why them?  When I suffer, I know I can handle it because I know Your love deeply, but they don't know it.  What were You thinking? I want to raise my fists shouting all this at You, but how can I when I know You are love?

I already know the answers to my questions; You love us deep enough.  You are big enough for them to see You through all this pain and hurt.  Again and again I must say it; Your love is enough, You are big enough.

As I sit in the dark wishing for snow to fall just so I could see a tangible reminder of grace, instead You give me perspective.  That day so long ago, a day never forgotten, You watched as Your perfect son was tortured and killed simply because of evil hearts.  Oh, how You must have hurt.  Now I have seen a glimpse of Your pain.  Be compassionate towards me, by protecting and healing hurt souls.

Master, Creator, I can not shout at You, nor will I demand of You, but please hear me.  As You heard Moses all those years ago when Israel had angered You.  Answer me as You answered stubborn Habakkuk.  Transform me like you did Saul on the road that day.

Hear this:

Protect hearts, tenderizing them towards You, bring more souls into your family.  Just as you did with the remnant of Israel.

Give me words like You gave Jeremiah, so that I might be a glimpse of Jesus to them, so they might know you.  The circle of not yet believers that will be watching the pain and for my reaction my love for You will be great.  I beg you to give me words so they can see You past me.

Lastly I want to beg for you to give physical healing.  Just as You took the blindness out of my eyes take the sickness out of this one.  As my blindness and Your healing brought souls into Your kingdom do it again with this.

Father, Daddy, You are good.  I will worship You forever, no matter how dark the road may become.  I will proclaim always that You are God.

I will trust You.  I choose to trust You.  Lord, Master help me to trust You.

Why is it?

Why is it that when one stops going to church the others assume they are in sin, but when attendance drops during the warm summer months there is no thought of a sinful heart?

Why is it that if one attends church but doesn't participate in at least one other weekly program then they are considered to be there simply to sooth there sinful souls, but if one dives in making church of the highest of priorities they are considered a fanatic to the point of being unloving, sinful and out of touch with what people really need?

Why is it that John the baptist who "came neither eating or drinking" was said to have a demon, but Jesus who "came eating and drinking" was said to be "a gluttonous man and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!"?  (Matthew 11:18-19)

Why is it that the world instinctively knows they are wicked but the church feels obligated to point it out?

Why is it that the church begs for Grace, but refuses to give it to those on the outside?

Why is it that the cities where Jesus did miracles are the same cities that refused to repent? (Matthew 11:20-24)

Why do these questions sound so wrong, so backwards?

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot.  So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.  Because you say, "I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing," and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked...Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.

~ Revelation 3:15-17 & 19

Am I going mental again?

As I sit in the living room I hear the small freckled boy bite into his chip and then chew in such a way that I want to rip my ears off.  All the while I am using the same yellow crayon that I have used for two years now as a highlighter.  As I draw it past the ink rubs from the words rub off causing a smudged dull yellow look.  Not the Danilion, joyful yellow it always is.  I stop sharpen my crayon removing any dirt and try again.  Nope still the smudge look.  I fight myself not to throw my Bible and the crayon in the fire.  It's ruined.  Not what it should have been.  And that chewing sound.  He cannot be done with lunch fast enough.

Rage is rising in my soul.  I know his mouth is closed.  I know it's just the way he chews and there is nothing rude about it.  I know it's me.  Just like I don't want to be touched or talked to or have any contact with civilization.  It's me.

After resting the darkness returned to battle me for my mind.

And He said to me, "My grace is sufficent for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9a

Do the mundane

I called a friend today, connected only by the sickness our minds share never have we met face to face, only talking when my mind is beginning to spiral out of control.  I called her.  Obviously a sign that the darkness is rolling in.

I talked first to my Strong man days ago fully confident that he saw my addiction, mania, begin taking over my life.  Actually no he hadn't seen it, he loved what he saw assuring me that my mind has never been healthier. 

That touch of his that drove me crazy just a week ago in now to much.  It almost hurts.  The sheets are too rough, the water too hot, my shoes too tight, the lotion too slimy.  It's so much more then touch, smells can send me into annoyance quickly turning to anger.  voices all to loud, the pipes heating our house to much, those two child like voices that follow me around daily demanding more and more.  So many demands, I fight with my tongue to be kind reminding myself that it's just the sickness.  I fight to protect them from the darkness.  I fight to keep the torment to myself not wanting it to overflow onto any of them.

So with this addiction taking over my life I desperately try to gain some control.  If I don't stop it now at some point I will be denied this drug that I so love and hunger for, mania.  Sweet tasting mania where life is perfect.  Nothing can compare to you sweet drug, give me more and more until it is only you that I know...

...No! No, I can't allow myself to be seduced.  I can't give in I must fight this goodness on the edge of torment.  I need to protect my family.

How do I explain this to my Love, how do I keep from disappointing him.  For now I will do the mundane.  I will do those dishes that have been on the counter for days.  I will sweep the floor and I will cuddle with little boys talking about little boy things that I honestly don't give two hoots about.  I will fight to live a life that normal people live and hopefully that will bring me back, at least give me control. 

Two ends of the spectrum and still united

Boys,

I love the way your Daddy loves to be neck deep in Kingdom work.  I love it.  When he was first asked to work part time for our church I was the one who told him to do it.  Since I have very much enjoyed watching him thrive and watching God use him to bring souls into heaven.  Not just souls but disciples, even better right?

While he has been doing that I took time off from ministry.  I mourned for a time as I thought if I stepped out I would become mediocre or less in love with Jesus.  In the end I realized it was both my pride and the fear of the unknown.  After a year of focusing on my heart and healing my bi-polar mind I realized while serving in the church I missed loving those outside of it.  The more time I spend outside of the church the more passionate I am about the ones who are still blind.  With this passion for those outside I become more indignant with those on the inside for there petty arguments and silly traditions.  I am ready to walk away and find a new way of doing church, because the traditional church body continually abuses itself. Chopping of limbs and then blaming other parts for it's actions ignoring the fact that it is slowly bleeding out and coming to it's death.  *Deep mournful sigh* 

However, Daddy's ministry which I love and support is to those same people.  He sees hope and potential for healing.  These people make his heart beat especially the children.  If he were to step out of an organization like this I'm not sure what he would do or how he would do it.  The children are his calling and the children can be found at church.

We are at two ends of the spectrum, but still fully committed to each other and even more so to God.  We know that God has a solution and has reasons for giving us such different burdens.  Every part of life is a season and every season has something to teach to prepare us for the next season.  God is good and faithful and will teach us as we grow together through this season of different passions.

As you look back I hope you can see this to be true of us, that we grew together keeping our love for God at the center of each aspect of our life.

We love you boys.

Coffee invite

When hard moments last for days resulting in a needed break from the here and now, dramatic steps need to be taken.  Finding myself in this position I sent a quick text inviting my Bestie out for coffee.  For young Mommas this kind of outing comes far and few between cause two families to rearrange life for two people to sit sipping coffee talking of the heart without the interruptions that little people bring.  And yet she one upped me turning coffee into dinner.

We sat in this cozy little restaurant splurging on soda as this was a "birthday, forget the world night out".  As we sat together she asked many questions listened quietly and then asked more.  Only when she saw the depths of my heart did she begin to share her wisdom.  In some cases agreement and in others a "well you need to remember...".  It was good, it was what I needed.

Outside of my bestie I have heard many times that I need to trust and that the process needs to happen and I have to wait it out.  The problem is that while the church battles over which children's ministry method needs to happen in the name of protecting young souls.  The very thing they fight over is being lost, both in the children and in there parents.  This is the cause of my moaning tears.

As I cry out that this hurts and my heart is broken those around me tell me I need to trust in them, in God, and in the process. That I need to forgive and that I need to work at not becoming bitter.  All good things, but after months they have not shown me where I am not following through in any of these areas.  Show me the ugly fruit of loosing trust, harboring bitterness and holding grudges.  Show me!  Ah, they can't under the guise of only God can see my heart.  Funny how while I am told He is the only one that can see my heart, yet they are so quick to judge that same heart. 

This causing me to feel betrayed by my church leaders and mentors.  I feel they are so wrapped up in the process of changing the hearts of the hardened that they don't have time for this bleeding one or those who have bled out before me.  It seems the process to them is more important then the hearts of those who strive to know Jesus more.  They say the goal is unity and while in word it is said they understand if some don't get on board they will be left behind while in action they are siding with those and watching the young who are passionate and the not yet friends of Jesus bleed on the battle field.  In my case rather then searching my heart they are asking "Sunday school" questions of "where is your heart--Have you forgiven, have you guarded yourself from bitterness, are you causing gossip, are your actions upsetting others, is there a possibility that your actions are upsetting others, are you trusting enough?"  As said before they are unwilling to show me my folly in turn causing me to hear this, "Your hurt must be the fault of your sin."  Hence the feeling of betrayal from those I have walked closely with.

Funny how my Bestie is willing to work at my heart to ask questions to push my mind to walk down paths it didn't know existed allowing my words to come where I knew no words to be.  Have I mentioned that my Bestie has walked this road with these same people and she still honestly searches my heart?